i am what i am!!

Saturday, December 01, 2012

On purpose...!!

Let me start by thanking god for rewarding my hard work with result! I have had a rather gud last couple of months nd i m very thank ful for it. And i say it from the bottom of my heart and i really have no complaints except a few from I Me Myself. I sometime feel like my biggest enemy, biggest critic. It has been gud for me where i have taken charge of my life and took the blame for my failures. And of course credited myself with a proud pat on back when i did things right. But these bloody right things does not lead to satisfaction as they should. Let me try and explain...... When things dont go right we crib, complain, promise ourselves that we would learn from our mistakes but seldom in my case rarely reflect on the what all we have achieved. It does not mean that i m not thankful just that when things go wrong we focus on trying to get out of it more than leaving it behind and moving on. But my problem starts even when everything goes swell i start thinking about what did not. I feel as if i did not do enough to make things right. That maybe if i had worked hard enough i would have achieve a different result. Dont regret it but just cant let it go. It is specially true when it involves another person, a person who did you some what wrong, though nothing that deserves capital punishment but something that broke your trust. And even if they confess and say sorry you feel angry. But after years you look back and think maybe i should have forgiven. You miss that special bond, that someone to talk to. I hate it! Some things are like your favourite pajamas no matter how faded it looks, or how many times it has been compared to a rag you just cant let it go. I wish i could throw it away and regret it rather then keeping them and hiding from my mum every time i wear them. It drives me crazy that i cant move past certain experience even when i know nothing can be done nd they are over. It feels as if i m being sad on purpose when i clearly i dun want to be. I so wish that my cat was alive. 'J'

Saturday, June 16, 2012


we want rewards for everything we do.........something in return of our every little action. take for example FB status : if i have taken the pains to update my status then i should be rewarded with likes and comments. Then those likes and comments should be rewarded with the acknowledgement ie. in turn further comments and like and chain goes on and on. Try cooking someday if someone other than yourself does not appreciate it than the entire world is thankless because rewards are like stamps, an approval, we need from others that what we are doing is right. now rewards are like shoes they come in different sizes , and others always get a better deal. Size 1 is being rewarded less than we deserve, the most common type for oneself, size 2 is being rewarded more than what we deserve , always true for others and last size is just right , and like in shoes its a myth. no matter how much we receive we hope for some more, got a 100% in a subject well it would have been better to get 100% in other subjects too. Got that, maybe a medal in sports? Neighbor's daughter got 95% , it must be a fluke she dint work as hard as your own chintu but she has better luck than chintu. why are we so possessive about these rewards why do we want the best one for ourselves, there are thousands of people who deserve to live but die everyday, what abt their reward?? cant we for one day in our life rewards someone who really needs it, if u expect a reward for that ....... GR8! but only after doing the deed! And believe me the reward you will receive for it would be JUST RIGHT! like like sexy but uncomfortable heel (shoes for guys??) you have been eyeing, but a very cushioned comfortable version of it. hope some of it made sense, anyyyyy........who... what abt some comments as my reward?? ;)

Friday, July 01, 2011

Change is funny thing!

Have you ever felt that when your life was moving ahead that a part of you were left behind..........you did realize it then, but dint care enough. But now when you are in same situation, place you dont feel that deja vu, you feel.....oops! or maybe some other feeling along the same lines.

Much has changed in last one year for me.....got my first job.....left my first job! and now trying to find another :P i left by choice though i know it wasnt the right decision because as the theory goes never leave your current job unless you have something else in hand but in practical when you dont enjoy your work, or people as in my case i dont see any point in continuing.

i have realized i dont write often anymore...no i m not talkin abt my blog i guess i ve always been irregular at that but otherwise as well. after leavin my job i recently moved back home discovered some old writing and drawings. Still love what i drew but after reading what i ve wrote.........i cant stop laughin. i had a diary and boy o boy i wrote everything in there. things that should probably never be there in writing.....lol! But the irony is though i know i should probably burn that thing to save myself from humiliation i cant. the innocence in those words is lost..... i hope not for forever but currently it does not exist, the faith and the optimism is bleak. and that notebook is like a memoir of what i was.

oh well i guess things change, people change ........not for good always but neither for worse.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

i m still alive........:P

it seems like ages have passed since i wrote anything ............at all!! except exam papers:(

i just received a comment on my last post which just got meto sit down nd write smthng. Dear anonymous........THANK YOU SO MuCH!! its gud to knw sm1 still stumbles upon my blog:D

my two years in pune ae ending.........i got a job...........soon will get my location. and as everytym i do it its tym to reflect back on these two year in pune.

seems like yday(no really) whn i moved here thn sulked for weeks here. missedhome like hell(still do). i swear to god from past two weeks i ve this really storng urge to eat 'mom ke haath ka mutter paneer':P i am dreamin of it these days.:P:P:P

living in hostel teaches you a lot of things.......patience, independence, caring for people at you........and also i dun give a damn attitude.
and after two year i m not scared to move to any unknown city. its like every new thing now comes with a sense of adventure.

the people here that i m goin to miss. i owe a lot of my smiles here to my friends and batchmates. there is atleast once that each one of them have got me smilin....... :)
after living with a big family for two years goin back to a small one is goin to be different....... then the fear that you might not see some of thm for years. maybe we shud get sm sort of counselling:P

i dunno if it is for gud or worse .......but u get attached to the freedom u have in hostel....or living away fom home. i ve recently strted wishin to live alone smwhr really far away so as to know how well i manage on my own. maybe at point of tym we strt wishing for something more than just financial independence. but at the same tym going back home tempts you to no end.....specially whn i miss delhi and winters so much. if someone once more mentions that climate in pune is gud(whn they are in delhi) only god knows wat i ll end up doin. pune is gud whn u come here for few weeks or mnths..........but same weather year arnd except those freaking mnths whn it rains......i cant tell december apart from may!! i like winter.......hell i love them.considerin i ll go back only in march i ll have to wait for 9 mnths more(after march) for my fav season:(

i start my last trimeste from tommorow mrng:) i knw i dint really got nastalgic in this post.........mayb i can write another post abt my tym here:)

but it sure as hell feels gud to write! past week has been pretty gud today i wrote before that i was drawing maybe i m becoming what i came here as!!

is it cominga full circle for me??



Wednesday, June 24, 2009

i m done with it..........

my days in mumbai are ending..........and so is my resolve to stay in this city!! a s i ve mentioned it was never my fave city.......
but after my mentor today said that my project is not upto the mark.......... i dun think i wanna spend another minute in this city!
two months of hard work gone down the drain in 2 min of his review! i knw if if it is not upto the mark thn maybe i shud just try to do smthng abt it but frankly i feel so tired! my head, legs and arms are hurting and i cant focus on work nemre! 2 mnths of continuous sincere work.........with out any support from my said mentor! he is a guy who at times wud not even talk to me straight! i did odd jobs in office with my prjct without any objection! the types u ask a secretatry to do!
whn i ask for support his reply was always i cant help u go your way abt it...and when i do u reject my work!

it s like sm1 has taken away my two mnths which i could have spent learning so much!
alas! i get back to work and raise my standard of prjct.........but with no mre passion to motivate me to do it.........i just look forward to get done with it!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

mumbai local...........

MY 2 months in Mumbai are coming to an end! Frankly it is so not my favourite city. Everyone says it is difficult to match the fast paced & hard life of Mumbai......... maybe it is ......but this fast pace is not because we need it here to survive........NO SIR...........but because people here have made it a part of their life unnecessarily (don’t bash me for sayin it). And hard ...... agn because we like it that way! Every mrng the mad rush to get into local frankly I ve never missed one for too much crowd and I travel in peak hours from a station whr 15-20 other females take the local with me(for first class compartment believe me 15 is a HUGE number.......it a small compartment with place for only 13 females to sit......rest of us stand) and evn if we dun mindlessly try to rush and hop onto the train I still dun think it wud make much difference. Just maybe we wont hurt sm1 in the process. Similarly AfTER u get onboard the HARD life doesn’t end sm1 or other wud either comment that I shud not carry a back pack bcoz it takes too much space(Well I paid lot of money for that bag I would take it anywhr I want................umm not to forget that I cant do without my laptop....all info in that little black box:P) if not me thn they wud be fightin on why sm1 arm is touching their bag(well I m pressed b/w a bunch of females and let me tell u it never fails to creep u out....... not to forget that I keep praying that plz god let thm all be straight...........nothin angst gays I swear but it wud be kinda creepy is sm female touches me intentionally ) I mean imagine a train compartment packed no place to stand and dear ladies fighting that one arm is touching a bag that doen not belong to the owner of the arm......! when I can only guess whr my own, my VERY OWN, PRECIOUS arm is!crazy it is!!
And today one of the very respectable aunty ji was looking at me top to bottom( I refuse to believe she was chkin me out........)she started mumbling smthng under her breath.......prbbly just sayin a prayer for me;)! very nice aunty ji I must admit......she was no way trying to jinx me, I m pretty sure!!
Well maybe it is a lil hard but thn we can try to take it easy! Try to be a lil more tolerate, smile a lil, try not to kill every1 on ur way home/office! Coz with all the (cat)fights happening every day I have seen thm becoming friends because they travel in same local! They make plans to meet on weekends, share recipes, have heard a few of thm singing together!
Well after spending two mnths here it is still not on my favourite places list...............but I guess I have to admit Mumbai is nonetheless a interesting place;)
I guess there are goin to be more blog post abt Mumbai from me! If sm1 is still readin this blog..................thank you so much for not abandoning it............please comment if u have ever been to Mumbai and share ur experience!

p.s. I took the pic yday at marine drive..........!! not bad eh??

Friday, May 15, 2009

INDIA ON TOP........... :)

So national geographic puts India right on top of their second annual greendex survey........
To know more about the survey visit
or pick a copy of 2day’s TOI!
so all those times u got on that bus/local train/carpool to save time and money u helped in making your planet greener........... It’s funny that all my cribbing about taking local everyday (m in Mumbai till end of June) is suddenly a very happy feeling for me!! Now I m feeling rather proud (ego inflation) that I m helping in keeping earth greener!! Also I m going to tell all my non vegetarian friends how THEY are contributing towards degrading the environment! ;)
Apart from it I want to reflect that how lack of resources is keeping us from adding in to global environmental trouble, or how because of religious sentiments or other reasons a sizable Indian population is vegetarian. It means or rather I assume that we are on top by default NOT by design.
And suddenly the inflated ego goes KABOOM!!!!!
We are helping the environment unknowingly but I wish we could do more about it. Like not using plastic bags, reusing that same plastic bag again and again, switching from bulbs to CFLs, and lot of other ways we already are aware of. Small things make big difference!
I am not a preacher plus as I mentioned earlier its not even a subject that needs preaching. We are aware of what all can be done and how we can contribute............
Knowledge is there; only thing we lack is action!
Have good day.......!!